Reflection Series

I argue that life is a journey that we don’t want to sit it out. So you might be asking yourself: how do I start this journey making choices where I feel fulfilled and happy? What does getting mindful about your choices look like?

For me, I haven’t always made the right choices. I’ve found myself at some unhappy times just like everyone does and I’ve done that adult version of asking the eight ball like we all do… Praying, “God tell me is this the right job/ relationship/city,” checking horoscope predictions, and asking people who always agree with me if I was doing the right things.

I believe we all notice when we don’t have happiness, peace, or balance. We cope. When we’re just a little off balance, we try to smooth it out like a little life wrinkle. A new haircut, a new outfit, a night out with friends; we feel better. We escape. Some wine, a couple of brownies maybe a new relationship or a new job and we think we can quiet that uneasy feeling that told us that something wasn’t quite right. But eventually if we listen, if it’s more than a wrinkle, it registers: our life doesn’t fit. That formula for happiness that we thought we were following doesn’t give us happiness or fulfillment we thought would follow. 

If, when we make space to be still, we find that there is something in us we want to fill, if we find our fun is more about escaping or coping and less about enjoying. If we’re happy in one place or at one time, but not most others we need to ask ourselves what we should change.

It took me decades to notice that some relationships didn’t fit and just as long sometimes to identify some behaviors that didn’t result in the feelings I was hoping for. Deciding to change something takes as long as it takes to become uncomfortable enough to want change, and requires enough strength to have the courage to try. It is a process. We often have to choose (and try) to change again and again.



Eventually I noticed what I felt, and slowly, I dug into how and why I was escaping, coping, and even some ways I thought I was protecting myself. First I had to take the time to change the dialogue from, “who/what is to blame” to “would I feel better with a change?” I asked myself, “should I be buying those cute summer dresses without a place in mind to wear them”, or “why am I really getting those housewares to make an apartment that I knew I’d never stay in longer than a year or two feel like home”? I started wondering what it meant that at the end of the day, all I wanted to do was crash on the couch and watch some show, which in most cases I wouldn’t even care about the next day. What it meant was that I was always looking for that next show that did make me feel something. I asked myself about those friends who always agreed with me, who were happy to get drinks or who I only related to in discussions of surface things. I asked myself about family with whom interactions didn’t make space for the “me” I wanted to be.

Our choices are like currency. With them we spend our physical and emotional time and energy. When used wisely they can create a well of support for us to draw upon; when we use them in a way that does not provide value, we are less physically and emotionally capable to pursue happiness.

Our choices come from our intentions. We could consciously be moving toward a goal, or we could be coping, escaping, or trying to feel safe. Reflecting on why we make the choices that we make gives us the ability to be comfortable with where we are and thoughtful about where we want to go.

But, reflection wades in emotional territories, which are always murky, especially if you choose to reflect mostly alone. Adding a few trusted friends or professional supports to our process is ok. But reflection is personal. We need to create time and space that supports questioning all our behaviors and thoughts. We need to feel comfortable to examine the ways we escape, cope, and find support and determine if they are healthy. We must find ways to continually encourage our growth.